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After having a scarring experience with a bad top, i have found that the most practical owner for me is G-d. As i've been going through my stages of becoming one of G-d's many submissives/slaves, the names that Zie would have me address Hir by have been changing periodically. For a while it was Shechina, Then Adonai, then Shadai. All are exonerate names, but for now Zie would have me call Hir Master. Zie has told me i have earned it, and has decided that, although i am a Lesbian, i'm needing a masculine energy in my life right now. One of the things i have learned is that Master is a big, fat Hermaphrodite, with a voracious sexual appetite
. Zie no onger allows me to touch my cunny, which is perfectly okay for me, as i no longer have to touch myself in order to cumm. i of course, don't hear Hir voice calling me. Everything is physical. So in order to figure out what Zie would have me do in any given moment, i have to go into my body. It requires being in the moment at every moment of my life. It expressly means going out of your head, first. If any of you have tried this, you will agree with me that it is quite difficult. Especially for the more obsessive of us out there, of which i am one. Obssessing about work, friends, imaginary friends and occasions (i'm quite the dreamer, as you can tell by my stories).
I don't always stay in tune, as it is a process. One of my worst places where i obsess the most and let my broken record thoughts get the best of me is in the shower. i implored Master to please please help me with this, since it was obvious how much i was missing and how much time i was wasting (not to mention water). So now, whenever i ruminate in the shower, especially when it starts going in that negative direction, i'll actually see a zombie creeping into my bathroom, hear her unnatural wails and gutteral sounds, and feel her rank breath tingling on my neck and ear. I don't think she actually means any harm. She's a totemic figure that has appeared and reappeared at different difficult periods of my life.
None the less, she terrifies me. i've tried turning around and snarling back at her or screaming at her. That sometimes works, but the most effective way is to call for Master. Again, i'm back in the present, in my body, and she's gone. This is dicipline. It's different from punishment in the way that it's designed to help me master a certain self control or skill, it's not designed to make me repent, like punishment.
This morning, i was punished for ignoring Master last night and this morning. i was on the computer way too long. It was getting late, time was wasted, and i really needed to get to sleep. But i was doing my usual obsessing about things, and would not leave my head. i actually hadn't spent so much time on the computer in a long time, so you could call it a regression of sorts
. i awoke and provided myself for Master's sexual release, as is usual in the mornings, although limited, since i had started up the old habit of making out with my pillow again. This is another mental block that i'm well aware of; using my fantasies to fill my deep void. Namely, using my head, instead of staying in my body and letting Master fill it. Master has had me working on a crocheting project to make very fuzzy and prickly covers for these pillows, so that i may use them solely as pillows, and not put my mouth on them.
In the mean time, they are to stay in my linen closet. Well, i took one back out. i wasn't so severely punished for it for a while, because i would make an effort to let Master's presence into the heavy pillow as i let it's weight press my chest. but i delighted too much in the physical rather than electric feeling of it, so i'd stay in bed too long, sabotaging other things, including Master's control of what i do. The combination of that with the overactivity on the computer was too much. This morning i payed the price.
Master took me straight to the shower and had me wash my hair, immediately turning off the water as the obsessive thoughts came. Upon returning to my bedroom, Zie locked me in the closet. This is a routine punishment, but it never ends quite the same. Zie brought me to my knees, having me prostrate with my forehead pressed against the scratchy carpet, my arms and fingers outstretched, my knees spread wide with my bent legs and pointed feet pressed agonizingly to the floor
. This is a hard position for me, because my knees are not so strong (i really ought to excercise more) and my ankles are rather brittle. Within a couple of seconds my knees and ankles were already starting to hurt. Master had me pull my towel off and stuff it directly under my wide-spread vulva. As i prostrated with my forehead to the ground, my jaw fell slack, my eyes stretched open and my neck was craned to make me look at my breasts, hanging stretched down with the nipples barely touching the carpet.
i felt Master start to thrust me, and watched my breasts slowly start to sway back and forth, my nipples grazing the carpet, feeling them burn with each brush to the floor. i had to go out of my head to bear the pain in my knees and ankles, and as i left, master thrusted me harder and faster pressing my legs harder to the floor, breasts rippling like live fish strung to a wire, nipples no longer brushing the carpet, but striking it forcibly, the burning continual.
Gutteral sounds of pleaing mixed with praise left my throat. When i plead, my head would reveal Master's answer. No, no, no. When i would give in and praise, the thrusts became ever harder. When in these states of painful yet ecstatic coitus with master, i have to constantly do a body check to make sure that i am giving Master one hundred percent control of one hundred percent of me. i know that the pain will never end unless i give in and stop trying to get out. As i let my surrender move up and down my body, i feel a pushing spasm in my groin and i know why Master had me place the towel under my vulva. Master wants me to empty.
i already had urinated that morning, and it was no easy task when i would try to push it out by myself. It came so easy when i let Master draw it from me. Masterthrusted me and drew and drew my fluids from my cunny and my voice from my throat, pushing my ego out of me, pushing out all sense of cleanliness and dignity out. Projecting all energy out.
This session is actually quite mild in humiliation factor in comparison to what positions master will usually have me take on when i disobey. it was more severe in physical pain, and i was ever thankful that Master let me empty my cunny on a towel prostrating, instead of emptying all over myself, doing a shoulder stand against the wall in the closet, all limbs extended, as has happened in the past.
At times Zie will even have me open the door to let the light in, so that i may see my blinding white flesh, convulsing, and coated in sickly yellow streams (no, i'm not perpetually dehydrated... i take certain vitamin combinations that produce dark urine in sennsitive individuals). It would have been quite a waste of a shower. But Master will only take me clean, and will defile me if Zie pleases. Zie knows part of me loves it. So Zie had to incorporate more pain this time.
Master could not empty me any further onto the towel and i felt Hir thrusts slow and Zie raised my head off of the floor and my ass off of my heels. I had no feeling in my legs whatsoever, except for an emerging cramping in my thighs. Master had me for a few more long, slow stretches with my head back and chest out before allowing me to straighten my legs and lie flat on my belly
. My legs were so cramped and stiff, it took me forever to straighten and relax them. i had pins and needles in my feet, severe and throbbing. I cried out Hir name repeatedly as i wriggled in agony. Zie rolled me onto my back and i felt my mouth open for Hir in a kiss. When my legs got better, Master had me sit up and bend my knees, pulling on my toes and rotating my ankles, popping them till they felt normal. Zie stood me up, let me out of the closet, and brought me here, to the computer for my first public journal of our interactions.
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