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This is a fantasy that will never happen, and that I suppose I don't really ever want to happen. But well here it is.
When i was 18 I fell in love for the first time. I was a freshmen in college, and she (we'll call her "Ann") was still a Senior in High school. I had been lonely for so long and everything about her made my heart blossom with warmth and joy like never before. I mean I'd had crushes before, but never actually fallen in love. It's an amazing feeling young love, especially first love. Ann fell in love with me as well... and we dated. She was my first Date, my first Kiss, the first girl to see me naked... and touch me in intimate ways. We never made love, we both believed in saving ourselves for marriage. Our relationship grew to the point where I actually planned to ask her to marry me. I Didn't want to rush things though. So i waited and one day I saw the right ring. I bought it, and held onto it, waiting for the right moment however long that would take. Eventualy Ann left to go to a college farther away and sadly things quickly fell appart. She found someone else... cheated on me... and gave her virginity away to this other man... something we had both been saving. She broke my heart. She broke it and rubbed salt in the wounds.
I wanted to die. Between my broken heart and some other personal problems that came about afterward I slipped into a deep depression close to suicide. I did pull myself out of it but the Anger and Deep sadness left permanent scars. Perhaps all first loves leave their mark for good or ill. Well it's many years later now, and I've found love again. This time I'm not the young idealistic fool I was. I have no plans to leave my current love and I hope one day to marry her and have a family.
But I supose some small part of me, however scarred, broken, and dead it may be will always love Ann. That part of me sometimes thinks of her and wonders what if years from now My wife died? What would I do then? And that part of me fantasises and wonders what if she too was single? (which sadly is quite likely with her record of failed relationships since ours)
I dreamed about this fantasy once. In the dream My current Love We'll call her "Sarah" and I had been married for many years. we were maybe in our late 30s and suddenly she died in a terrible car accident. Ann came to the funeral and being the person she is she stayed around to make sure I was alright and help me get my life back into order. Our friendship renewed itself and over time she became a regular visitor to my home even became known as Auntie Ann to my young daughter Kelly (in the dream).
I dont know how long it had been in the dream reality since Ann and I had become friends again but it had been at least a year or so I would guess. One day I was throwing a Christmas party and after everyone had left Ann stayed late to help me clean up. Kelly had long since gone to bed as it was well after midnight so we had the house to ourselves. Ann and I flopped down on the couch to take a break from cleaning and she laid her head in my lap. We started talking about old times and the conversation turned to our past relationship. Maybe we were both a little more free with out words from the wine, or maybe it was the familiar position we were laying in but she began to tell me how sorry she was. How wrong she was to leave me like she did. She said "I thought about you a lot since we broke up. I wished I could tell you how sorry I was... how I wished I could take it back. But once you married Sarah it was too late."
I began to cry, just slightly. Just a single tear in my eye. I wasn't sure I could listen to this, wasn't sure what I thought of the feelings inside. Ann Turned to look at me and saw me crying. "No don't cry please..." she said. "I... I didnt want to hurt you again." Then she leaned in and wiped away the tears just as she used to so many years ago. I couldn't take it anymore.
"I... I was going to ask you to marry me you know." I said. "I had the ring and everyting... it was in my pocket that day... the day you..."
"Oh God! I'm so sorry I didn't know. I can't imagine how you must have felt... How can you even stand to be near me after I did something to terrible..." She choked as she said this and began to cry. She turned her head from me and got up to leave. I followed her and grabed her arm.
"No... dont go I don't want you to go." I turned her towards me and held her. Just held her for what seemed forever. "I don't ever want you to go away again."
She looked into my eyes and said "Then I never will again..." At that moment we both looked up and saw the Mistletoe. Without another word we shared the most wonderful and loving kiss I had ever experienced. She broke the kiss and tears again in her eyes said "I'm so sorry I should never have given myself to another... it was always meant for you."
"It doesn't matter. I have you now that's all that matters. I may not get to be the first, but at least I know I'll get to be the one you stay with."
"I love you." She said then wispered in my ear "Take me to bed so I can finnaly give you the gift you've waited so long for." I carried her to bed and we made love. Sweet and soft and beautiful. When I slid into her it felt like the first time even though it was far from it for both of us. It felt like heaven. In our afterglow we held each other... held each other like the young lovers we once were and fell asleep knowing this was one dream we'd never wake up from.
I know it seems foolish, and it is. But in the moments when i was most lonely I've always dreamed of Ann. Now that i have Sarah I don't feel that way anymore, and I accept the past for what it is... the past. I don't ever truly want to be with Ann again, But that dream will always still reside in that small piece of my heart.
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