This is the first time I have gone this far. Before all of my torture I have self inflicted. I am what you call a self mutilator, cutting myself on various parts of my body. I don't know if this is from low self esteem or the fact that I hate myself. Therapy has done nothing to help me. Today I meet with a lady that has promised me she can administer severe pain. If she only knew what pain I have brought on myself, she would realize the job ahead.

I am on all fours waiting for the first lash to strike my back. I hope she is stronger than she looks. I need not be tied to submit but after the lashing the caning begins, fearing that I might move, I am tied down over a makeshift table. As she hits me I beg to be hit harder. I need to feel the skin ripped from my back. I want to see the blood flow down my body. She does as I ask and finally I pass out. She is the best yet and I love what she has done for me. Perhaps next time she will be so cruel that I will not wake up and then I will have met my goal. No more therapy for me. I am truly happy now!